going friends only, people.

jen d. and matt...create an account if you want more on the neverending saga of the downward spiral. let me know your username and i'll add you to my friends list. i received your emails and they were greatly appreciated. thank you.

xo

today was a particularly bad day. just when i thought things were getting to be ok. not great, not even good, but ok - tolerable, like i could cope. KNOCK KNOCK - hello, fucking reality. when all is said and done, nobody gives a damn. i'll end up alone like i began, infuckingdeed. brilliant words. and so true.

i have been prolonging this entry but it needs to be said. i guess. some people who read already know so it's not really news to them but....fuck, this is so hard....my husband and i have been seperated since early december. jen, if you read this...it's funny...because he was who i was referring to when you were asking about what a best friend means to others. i said he was someone who would give his life for mine. and now he's gone. the one person who was my rock. the one who made everything ok no matter was else was fucked up on the world.

we have been together so long that i don't even know what to do. i went from living at home to living with paul. so sheltered.

i do not deserve this shit. i don't.

i need to get away. far, far away.

i feel like i should just delete this entry but won't. god, the backspace key is getting a workout tonight. typos out the ass. i have refrained from drinking because i knew i would get more depressed. i'm not even a drinker. not even socially. tonight i cracked open a bottle of champaigne as soon as i got home from work. 5:30pm. that is so messed up. even in my current state, i realize that.

breathe deep, sheri.

ya know, and then i think to myself - self...there are far worse things that could happen. in that respect, i am thankful that i wake up every morning breathing with limbs and senses in tact. i have my home, even though it's empty and a good job that i like, for the most part. i should be happy.

but i'm not.

i just want to be happy again.

or at least not so miserable. i'm so tired of being sad and miserable.

ok, i'm really going to post this.

love to all,
sheri

random.

i had a dream last night that i had tickets to a pearl jam show in maitland. it was friday and the show was the next night. i was asked what my plans were and told them that i was going up for the show then coming home on sunday. i was then asked, "what about the rest of the shows?" uh, what? i didn't even know about any other shows. then i was stressing because i didn't have any vacation time left. dreams can be so weird.

1. i was told by two different people that maitland was a 5-6 hour drive. it's only 150 miles from me. of course, i guess in my dream i could have lived somewhere other than where i live.

2. like i wouldn't know about a bunch of other shows?

anyway.

i got sucked into watching queen of the damned again last night. i think i've seen that movie 6 times now and it's not that it's a great movie or anything. it just has stuart townsend in it. stuart townsend as lestat is pure hotness.

and while watching it, i saw that burger king has new commercials revolving around the office group. those commercials were so great and it had been awhile since i'd seen one. i thought BK might have pulled the plug on them because some organization supporting short people found one of them offensive and sent a letter to BK's advertising agency. people need to lighten up.

week in review: went to l&b's party last saturday. way too much food and drink. had fun, though. and my week at work was stressful, but very productive. finally packed up extra vfc posters i picked up for other people and have those ready to take to the post office.

and now i have some radiohead to burn for a pearl jam person and the pressure is on. i feel like this is my one shot to get him to like radiohead. must. not. fail.

check out what i got today. i rule.

ok, not really, but this does.


( the gloaming )

ebay is the devil.

i can go months with no interest whatsoever, then i get bored and find something cool and become obsessed and have to find more cool things.

i love/hate ebay.

"right on" is making a comeback, apparently. i hear it all the time now and am already sick of it. i guess it's the new cool thing to say. the dj on the buzz said it so frequently in an interview he was doing today that it's all i heard. right on. right on. right on.

shut up already.

but here's the thing. it's NOT cool. i have proof. in one of my underwriting conference calls with corporate, the VP of UW said something and all i heard was this echo of right ons from everyone. funny.

anyway.

i was so full of optimism on my way home from work on tuesday. it dwindled as the night went on, but i had hope. when i woke up in the morning and saw how close it was, i knew it was done. W's arrogance really pisses me off. "america has spoken." yeah, well a large percentage were giving you a collective "fuck you". ass.

this is a GREAT site.

sorry everybody

it's pages and pages of photos of people from all over the globe holding up signs. a lot of great messages there.

it occurred to me today how relevant 'save you' was at the vfc shows. instead of thinking of an individual, think of the united states or maybe even the masses. most of it works. i'm sure that wasn't the intent and maybe i'm reaching, but it smacked me in the face today so...

srikant jinxed my updating roll i was on. tsk tsk.

wednesday: bailed on dinner with boss and people from corporate. my boss didn't expect me to go anyway. she knows me well. i just can't be bothered with corporate crap.

thursday: spent much of my day not doing anything productive and explaining to the people from corporate what i do, what i expect from our team, etc.

the area manager is really nice, however, she said ax/aks, as in "let me aks you a question." several times. ugh. i hate that shit. and she has some major halitosis stank going on. seriously, nice lady, but damn.

friday: dropped off my absentee ballot at the pbg government center. the line was 10 x longer than it was when i picked it up last week. when i drove into the GC, there was this man who looked to be in his 50's standing at the entrance with a "VOTE EARLY. VOTE KERRY." sign. across from him on the other side were two people in a convertible benz with the top down and their bush/cheney sign. i get inside the building and the place was just buzzing with early voters. very electric. i was quite happy walking past all of them to drop my ballot in the box. on my way out of the parking lot, the benz was gone. i pulled up to the guy with the kerry sign and thanked him for being out there and asked what he did to make the enron/halliburton supporters leave. he laughed and gave me a kerry button.

i can't believe the weekend is over already.

see dude, it's like old times...

you can now pre-order the 2005 radiohead calendar.

w.a.s.t.e. shop link here for your convenience.

i'm becoming more obsessed with my own mortality as i get older. ok, not obsessed but i do think about it too often, if only for a fleeting moment. that's why i'm afraid to fly. and i'm always aware of my surroundings. it's like there's an invisible circle around me and if anyone i do not know enters my space, i'm on alert. i wouldn't say i'm paranoid, just cautious, i guess. thank you, sick freaks of the world for making me feel that way.

i would say that possibly stems from watching too much tv, if i watched too much tv. i don't.

perhaps it stems from my religious beliefs, or lack thereof. i wish i knew that god did or did not exist the way i know the plane i'm in is going to crash. such certainty would make life so much easier. i would like to think that i just cease to exist when i die -- i could deal with that. it's just that my brain cannot comprehend complete and total nothingness. it does not compute.

all that said, i do what i need to do to enjoy life. i get on the plane. i stay in high rise hotels. i go to arenas with thousands of other people...

that's another thing. ever since those club fires a few years ago, the thought of having to get out of an enclosed place loaded with people is something that crosses my mind now. my whole idioteque vibe from the west palm beach show was ruined last year because of the fire behind phil. i fought hard to stay with the song, but couldn't. damn fire.

and on that note, i just hung up with my cali bud who gave me a scare the other night and all will be well.

maybe there is a god.

or maybe it's the good vibes i sent. or luck. who knows. i certainly don't.

i just can't not mention the ashlee simpson incident on snl last night - it's too funny. i laughed heartily. she has a comment section on her website (yeah, i looked her up) and is getting eaten up. like, over 200 comments. that song reminded me of tom's diner. maybe it's a sample? i dunno.

she's so rock and roll.

i have been so lazy this weekend. nay. i've been lazy since i got home from seeing pearl jam. all i did this weekend was burn discs and watch tv. i'm getting plenty of sleep but have not been eating as healthy as i normally do, so i think that is the culprit. not that i am a poster child for healthy living or anything...far from it. i've just been out of control and eating all the crap that people bring in to work when i usually pass. tomorrow will be the day that i exhibit the willpower over food that i know i have. of course, i said that last monday, so we'll see how that goes.

a friend of mine scared the bejesus out of me last night. it sounds like all will be fine but i'm sending good vibes west nonetheless. i will not go into details lest i get an ass kicking and lose one of my california stay-at-his-house-during-shows connections.

HUGE thanks to crookedheart82 for the text messages and phone calls this weekend for ed's sets at bridge. i think i'll edit this after i look around for mark's instructions on how to link the name. i'm not used to all this fancy schmancy lj stuff.

edit: let's see if that worked. HA! preview says YES.